Filed under: everybody's gotta learn sometimes, someday you'll be sorry, the bleeding heart show
i wonder how they do it.
i don’t even know why i have to.
i’m getting married in two weeks.
i really don’t want to.
i’m not happy. i should be happy.
this isn’t right.
it doesn’t feel right.
we are not made for each other.
we are making the biggest mistake in our lives.
he doesn’t seem to notice.
i look forward to find love again.
i look forward to be crazy in love with a man who feels the same.
second marriage = second chance?
i want to be happy.
happy doesn’t want to be with me.
happy, i miss you.
mucho.
*muse – soldier’s poem
Filed under: if the rain must fall
has it really been that long?
how are things?
better yet still shitty?
yes, the usual crap.
that’s the thing about writing, not that i am a writer, it’s just that when you don’t write, you kind of wonder – why?
my body is fucked up. if names do amuse you, these should be nominated for the ‘bff of mine award’ this year:
1. migraine
2. bloating
3. vomitting after meal
4. constipation
5. wind and gas
6. hermorrhoids
7. unexplained weight gain
8. back pain
no 1 visits reguarly, has been there for years.
no 2 is as annoying as akon and that sorry song. annoying because i ask myself the question, “is this how i would look like when i’m 5 months pregnant.?” everyday.
i think no 3 is just plain cruel. you’d be surprised at how much i spend for food these days and to throw it all out is heartbreaking. not only that, when i told a close friend that the doctors had no answers to why my stomach is acting funny, she simply said, “god punish us in various ways. you the diet specialist, all of your diet plans, look at you now, food won’t even stay in yor stomach.” so what is it? bad karma for fatties?
4 and 5 are the answers to malaysian food + workload + no exercise.
now no 6. you know, it was funny when i had it during my trip to vietnam last month. it came in the morning, right after the loo session. if you don’t know how it feels like to have hermorrhoids, please don’t be my friend. i couldn’t believe that people actually forced me to climb up a thousand stairs to see some statue in vung tau, carrying little miss rhoids. the pain was intolerable. and it didn’t help that we had to visit 4 pharmacies in saigon for pain killers. sigh. no more vietnamese red chillies for me.
when you see me, you’ll notice no 7.
8 is gone now, thanks to urban retreat spa in the curvey. i love your signature treatment long time.
tomorrow is going to be a long day. good thing james morrison is here.
discover me, james.
* james morrison – undiscovered
disastrous nights.
what bothers me is obvious. you thought you loved someone. then you kind of realize that it’s not there anymore, but god, have i been contemplating, when emotions and rationalities mix, when decisions need more time; resulting to the doomed and drowsy me, because my relationship won’t let me sleep.
i wish. i want everything to be okay.
i wish i didn’t fall in love with you.
* damien rice – sleep, don’t weep
Filed under: everybody's gotta learn sometimes, someday you'll be sorry, the bleeding heart show
we can at all times bend a little, and drink water from the tap. instead, we boil, and after 10 minutes or so, get a nice cup ala central perk, brazillian coffee, twinnings and whatnots, and enjoy that cup of choice on a pleasant, cozy couch. or starbucks, let’s just starbucks.
it’s fine. we’re fine. a million times i’m going to repeat this, he’s a fine man. with flaws. some i can bear, some i can’t. as you know and as you can see, everything is going well.
these tears in my eyes, they are called lonesome. that man is a million miles away. how can lonesome not be my companion?
you know you are appreciated when you feel significant. i don’t feel that way. i crossed the ocean, 13 bloody hours one way journey, just to see that man, and was deported back home. i came back and applied for a visit visa, crossed the ocean again, just to make him happy, because it was important to him. i can’t even get the man to come back. it’s been a year and a half. i’m not quite where i have him placed in my heart. i’m just not as vital as i thought i’d be.
when a man doesn’t want to be with you, or says that he wants to but can’t, he’s just not that into you. if he wants to be with you, he’s with you already.
you knew this is going to happen. why were you two together at the first place?
i’m not excluded from making mistakes.
you can drink tap water and have all the bacteria in your system, or you can take some time for mango tea, or hot chocolate with orange zest. you can make what you want but make sure you’ll enjoy it in the end. just don’t puke when it’s not as good.
* ben harper & pearl jam – another lonely day
so it’s true. i am a mad woman.
i’ve been struggling, feeling anxious everyday, crying about god-knows-what at nights. trapped. like i’m forced to breathe in a minuscule bubble, crystal clear and sparkly, i could almost feel the air outside. alas, what i have is this little room, nothing else.
had a bowl of instant noodles.
you see, i own an expensive car. if you ask me why i’m broke all the time, the answer to that will always be that car. i wanted to let it go. i just have no choice.
i whine a lot.
“i have no money.” (x20 times per day)
i really do.
i’m going to phuket this month. purchased 2 tickets to siem reap, august baby. thinking of watching jose gonzales in singapore in march.
fuck i’m broke.
* the rolling stones – (i can’t get no) satisfaction
okay i can’t sleep.
i’ve been thinking about my trip to phuket, thailand. phi phi and i will undeniably fall in love in three weeks.
may have to return to london soon, and help my man pack his stuff. he talked about traveling to ireland, funny because he never traveled before. i on the other hand, was thinking about dragging his lazy ass to naples, italy; driving along the amalfi coast, staying at positano, and be mesmerized by the historical pompeii.
can’t sleep but can’t stop dreaming. google-earth doesn’t help either.
now the real trouble is this – west coast blues ‘n’ roots in fremantle, australia. my favorites. ben harper. dave matthews band. missy higgins. john mayer. amos lee. ben harper. amos lee. what’s not to love?
i can barely afford food now, let alone traveling.
ben harper, i love you long time. amos lee, please take me with you.
oh i’m greedy and i can’t sleep.
* iron & wine – each coming night
well, the rain keeps on coming down
it feels like a flood in my head
and that road keeps on calling me
screaming to everything lying ahead
and it’s a winding road
i’ve been walking for a long time
i still don’t know
where it goes
and it’s a long way home
i’ve been searching for a long time
i still have hope
i’m gonna find my way home
and i can see a little house
on top of the hill
and i can smell the ocean
the salt in the air
and i can see you
you’re standing there
and you’re washing your car
and i can see california sun in your hair
and its a winding road
i’ve been walking for a long time
still don’t know
where it goes
and it’s a long way home
i’ve been searching for a long time
still have hope
i’m gonna find my way home
all these dreams took me so far
and i felt i just couldn’t go on
and i want to hang
out the window of your car
and see just how good this baby can run
’cause it’s a winding road
i’ve been walking for a long time
and i still don’t know
where it goes
and it’s a long way home
i’ve been searching for a long time
still have hope
we’re gonna find our way home
it’s a winding road
still have hope
one day we’ll find our way home
it’s a long way home
i’ve been searching for a long time
still have hope
we’re gonna find our way home
it’s a long way home
it’s a long way home
* bonnie summerville
how lust is important. i didn’t know either.
i was at my best friend’s wedding last night at the precious mayang sari ballroom, and just when they started to sway along a song, having their first dance as husband and wife, it occurred to me that romance is merely more than “i do”.
when another friend called, telling me that her best friend is getting married, i couldn’t help but notice a soft sigh, of course i did ask, “what’s wrong?”
“not that i want to get married, but companionship, it’s nice to have someone to share everything with.”
i kid you not, getting married is fun. a girl, any girl would have known what kind of wedding she wants, all big garden-y candle-y, preferably accomplished before she turns 25.
but you see, marriage is not about vera wang dresses, or the four seasons; to live with another person, to say “yes, I commit to you”, to preserve promises, to keep him/her happy, to keep yourself happy, to remind yourself “why did I fall in love with you in the first place?” when things go off beam; now bollywood happy ending does not happen everyday.
i have a man whom i’m frantically in love with. of having a future together, i hope he knows that this incredulous person, whose heart is half-rotten, will get professional help someday.
back to last night, when he gazed into her eyes, touching her hair, stroking her back, when he held her tight but she looked away, i felt tingly a little.
lust kills romance.
_____________________________________________________________________
i walked to the nearby mamak, with RM4.30 in my pocket, just enough for a packet of sampoerna mild, wearing a knee-length denim skirt and a grey baby tee, last night’s make-up still on, my nails all red and christmas-y. hideous I tell you, because i was having a fight with my long deep sleep, suddenly depressed and decided not to talk to anyone, even not with a refreshing cold shower.
there, 500 metres away, i saw a man, smartly dressed, walking on my path heading towards me. getting closer, as i tried my very best to walk a pretty walk (haha), the clumsy me fell down, right in front of him. and when my eyes cunningly caught a glimpse of his face, he rewarded them with a cheeky smile.
hello he said.
i’ve always loved a calm hello.
i blushed.
i’m officially 15.
* rufus wainwright – grey gardens
women, often complicated they say.
a woman, when reaching certain age, has some kind of inclination to think beyond knack, and that dejectedly revolves around limited topics.
1. love
2. relationships
3. no i don’t need a man
unlike my friends, i have no one to go home to. my days and nights are occupied with thoughts, gratuitous emotions involved. i used to write, love problems and such, but one fine day i chose not to linger in melancholy. oh well.
so loser writes again.
at times i do think about love and marriage and companionship. but it didn’t take me long to realize that those are things everyone else is doing and you wonder why it’s not happening to you.
and, companionship is what you need when you’re losing all your friends to pretty white dresses and sparkling tiaras. no?
* jack johnson – banana pancakes
